Kan-fused Part 2

They say its tough being tough. Now whats tough? I hit you with a hammer and you dont even sprout an "Ouch" or may be if i ripped your soul apart and you still have this beaming 440 watts smile on your lips as if noithing could have possibly gone wrong. Is that being internally tough ? Delusions hover here too...you cant cry when you want to (aww..whar are people gonna think of me??). I pity men here who have labelled tears as something feminine and who adhere to tears only on occassions they would fall short of excuses! (No offences guys!) So being tough is about being tough is all that i learnt.
Studies and acads is what confused me the most my entire life (too bad its still there). It seems like shadow...my best frends could dessert me for a moment but studies wont. Not that i am psychic about them...just that i am too much psychic about them!! While the rest of the world would dig itself in the debris of books and laptops, i would seel solace in music or movies or playing my mouthorgan and when left in the war-front all i can do is bite my nails on the fact "I-  know - nothing".....

Delusions and confusions have become a real life fairy tale for me that would never vanish from my mind. I could never think straight or think solid about what it determines to be what i want to be!! Rather what i am meant to be! It will all evaporate with time... I have been advised or strongly recommended to "christen" myself with a strong practical approach towards life. It is to fall prey to i know what I dont wanna be...

how confused or in dilemma it may be in), My mind plays a lot of games with me...but I guess I can rest that at peace while my heart still beats with the passion and zeal i always wanted to live with. Right now as i commence my thoughts I can hear Switchfoot play behind " I find peace when am confused"....

Strange....weird....yet happy!! And now i know I am not gonna stop being what they term "confused" cuz thats what forms my essence and thats what i would be till the day i breathed my last....

Kan - fused Part 1

A major chunk of my life has been spent in delusions just as "Shakespeare uncle " said - to be or not to be. Its not that i m unable to form decisions that are rock-solid, its just that i need some confirmity for my own self. Half the time I keep wondering loose over issues that arn't even trivial (thats what Tavi says). For instance if I wanna pursue photography why do i require to think twice ? Just shoot!! But no!! Am gonna linger and sulk over the idea of not accomplishing it as long as i can remember. Just coz of some priorities which had to be kept a step ahead of own "classic visions". We homo sapiens are a gifted race and delusions, confusions are kind of perks that we are blessed with. How many people could actually claim they have crystal clear dreams and visions (with all due respects to those who dream to be the next president or prime minister).
As a kid I loved dancing (dont laugh!). So i enrolled myself for these really nice western dance classes. I was aint that bad except for the fact that i crammed a few feet and dashed into a few gals who were trying to figure when this ridicule would end. (oh kay i am patheric). These years I decided not to give up unless i saw myself settling for science club (I am not a nerd!!) in spite of craving and watching in envy at those who shook thier booty at "my heart goes sha la la la". Who knows i coukd have been the next Farah Khan ;) ???
Its tough givin up what you love the most. The deluded, detoriated soul's craving and thirst might not be quenched but you stay satisfied you made someone happy. Sometimes my mom says its important to see and feel what others want from you. Its kind of "necessary" rather "mandatory" to actually do what others want from you. And the worst part is the battle that begins inside -  you vs them. And the evergreen aspects of life - how can i be happy if the world around me isnt ??? Right !! Jerk!! Its kinda tough wanting to be and not wanting to be. When two extremes clash its different and difficult to understand the reaction and more complicated to actually decide which extreme to side with ....

The Scum!

The hues change from black to blue

The wilt waits to bloom back

The winds withheld their shower

The gutsy stars shine with all their power

The sleeky, slimy figure runs through the woods

Flashing and ripping like the thousand nudes

Blood oozing out from scars unhealed

Whining...mourning from lips that were sealed...

Scary disrupted images in the air

Wanting to hold them with the world's despair

The slime...the scum...runs yet again

Run...hush...now...his shadow is his pain

He dies a thousand deaths with dread each hour!

His life's a battle, his breaths a war!

Fret, shame, sham "tamasha", the fowl

The dirt, the swine, a bad taste in the mouth

Run away....show not what it is to be YOU

Without a care, without any clue

It still keeps running and scurring through the jungle of life

A thousand beats....ten thousand strife!

Just like that ...random series 3

Another mundane tuesday...who feels like "visiting" lectures when one cant yet get over the waves, the music, the vodka, the beer that once so desirable devoured in the last two days and nights. Its like someone jolting me from the most beautifuk dream i ever had to the harsh reality of my life. Strange co-incidences : I feel lighter (not that my weight permits)...my heart feels better and safer. I feel protected and shielded with the care and love of people who understand the true meaning of friendship. A lot of negagtivity filled me when i walked into the Tavera that carried 11 budding managers (we toughly squeezed ourselves on our way thorugh the two and half hours journey) and i walked out a free spirit (i guess thats what alchohol does to you) ;) who had puked and puked and puked and flushed all the dirt that my mind carried. Just like someone pressing the f5 button (refresh)
"I need a break...i need a break" was the mantra before I could know the real 'jaap' for my heart was to be "i need a make"....- a make up for my soul, a patch that had to be sewed. A hurt that would leave its scar but would make me smile through the passage of time. I knew that my past held incidents and people I regretted but someone told me " Dont regret what happened...they were your decisions and if you respect your being you would respect them too"....Tough philosophies to digest but trust me they are worth a million dollars. "I dont regret no more"
A lot of bad things happen with a lot of people around the world. They face the worst of events and yet move on with colours in life. They come out with such beautiful smiles seeing through the toughest times.  Today morning i read something (i dont remember the exact words..it went sumthing like that)
"Walk the world as if you rule the world
or else dont care who does and yet walk on again..
thats called attitude...."
I always listened to what my heart told me was right, even though  they turned my life Topsy turvy. But this day thanks to my people back home and here in my life i know i can sail through tsunami waves and the toughest sun that can ever shine on my head.
Just like what i read on Tavi's t shirt ....."life just got more colurful"

I look through the broken window pane
the surrounded vapor of the late night rain...
the drops trickling down like tears in my eyes
the thunder sounds like some powerful sighs!!
I look through the broken window pane,
And my mind and soul goes insane,
Its raining inside, revealing my pain,
Want to outburst but then sounds lame
I look through the window pane
its wet and slippery outside
my souls cursed to damnation
crucified with fake salvation
The window pane’s broken like my dreams
submerged deep in the screams
surrounded in the valves that beat hard
the pain and pane both scarred

Ps thank you Ravi for your valuable inputs... 

random series 2

pating attention in the class...Am I??
Yet again the jazz plays on my mind. Reminiscences of last night's bit and pieces..the enchanting voice of James Blunt..."You're beautiful"...and the sexy curvish voice of Presley. I slept at 2 30 am yesterday...pretty early for a nocturnal breed like me. Are you enlarging your eyes at the words "nocturnal" or "breed" :)
Perceptions...
Sorry dude!! I got no clue of what you yacking about! I got no fucking idea about what "goal setting","benchmarking" or "recruitment"means....
My straight cut funda of getting work doneis "DO the work moron or get your ass kicked!!" Thats what i have been doing when i need those rascals to work for me !! (Am really mean ) ;)
Someones trying hard yet again to crash into the walls of my mind. Prisoner!!! No fucking holiday for the past 3 weeks!!
JAMMED!! CRASHED!! CRACKED!!
You think its gonna stick on to the saturated layer of my mind?? Evaporation : A sexy process desigened by God :)
Don Mclean playing on my mind ...starry starry nights..lovely classics they made those days...who cares ?? How many people here know who William Blake was or if John Denver ever
ever sang Annie's Song...or what metaphysical means!! Have they heard of Beowulf or may be the wrath-haunting possesive freaky poetry by Robert Browning. Avalanche of unassembles freaky thoughts.
What are yu rambling about dude??? BOSS!!!! :P
Back to square one..enought diversions for as minimum of 15 mins...still 45 minutes for me to be free...independant not yet!!

blank....

No deeds to count, no words to talk
No place to run, no roads to walk
Where does it end, you wouldnt know when it began
Falling short of time and efforts, how much you can...
No tunes to humm, no fashion to flaunt
No sarcasm to teach you, no jeer, no taunt
You still wonder where does it end?
A voice from deep within says it would all depend!
No tears to fall, no smiles to cheer
No laughter in in air..no damn..no fear
Wondering yet again where does it all end ?
The fret, the pain, in what is your life spent??