mum - BYE (an ode to mumbai)

i dont know what makes me connect to you... is it the memories that you gave me or the nightmares i shared under your skies...each time i put my step into your lap...a thousand dead dreams wake up from a deep slumber...and the ones that were never born thanked me. The moment i smell the air that flows through you...a  dual sensation of freedom and suffocation fills my  breath. How does it feel when i love and hate you at the same time...feel like holding you close to my heart and at the same time running away from your boundaries into lands i never even dreamt of...no matter how hard i have come to be...no matter how many double standards you teach me...no matter how many dreamz and aspirations you break or fulfill...no matter how solid my blood turns...i know you are different...
you taught me to live alone...
to survive...
to dare...
to hate...
to love...
to dream...
to cry...
to wipe my tears...
to be srong...
to turn weak...
and even though the span i spent with you was not even a fraction of my life... that fraction changed my life...
i avoid coming back to sense your presence at all...and every time it becomes unavoidable...yet fills me with hatred and disgust for you...i still dont know why... would you call that ingratitude....proclaiming that you gave me all...yet i would say took it all away... is that still being ungrateful ??
ur mumbai....the land of dreamz...the place where people dream big with small means and open eyes... a place where either people make it or break it...a place whom people can hate to the core or love to no extent...mumbai....the place where glamour....glitter...corruption...hatred...love...power...politics...poverty...
affluency...dance...music...alchohol...smoke...rapes...theft...fun...frolic...life...
IS ALWAYS AT ITS EXTREME!!
How do i justify hating you...or rather loving you...when it comes to you my heart is a bag of mixed emotions...my responses seem numb...i can either mix like water colours in your shades or rebel like a blacklist to corrode your existence...
i still don't know...and i guess i never will...cause each time i leave your heart i am gushed with the twin feelings of  never wanting to go as well the dream of a force that will promise never to tread my steps towards where i never belonged...