dreamzz

I know not where you go
Do i have the power to lean on you ?
would you decide for me, would you know?
that i hold my breath through you...
i close my eyes,
my tears seem to break
the numerous forms
i wish you to take...
my mind runs at a pace
i myself cannot face.
you seem distant...yet i know
you're only mine...
you would never leave,
even though life may seem to drift away
i wouldnt have to grieve
Even if wanted to run away
you come in different ways....
"sometimes in my reality...i tend to forget your existence"

For Ritika!

There will be times when you thought
"I wish I was not here"
And then you would laugh at it
In your eye a twinkle and a tear…
There will be times when you will fight
"Why are you doing this to me?"
But not all of it was wrong you would realize,
All questions have answers you see.
There would be times when you would be busy
And leave aside all your tears.
Times tear away the sad memories,
And help you fight your fears.
There would be times when you'd feel
"Will this go away with time?"
But then there were times when these
Had the biggest priorities on your mind.
Now is the time you say
"This can never happen…I can never forget"
But there will be a time someday
You'd say, "Oh yes! I remember,
It just got over my head!"
And when someday you'd tumble
Upon some old cards and old snaps
The chain of memories would push you behind
There would be days when you would cry
Until you went crazy,
Some messages, some chats
Some unbroken, unfulfilled dreams
Catch your thoughts forever…
And then there would be times my friend
When you would scream "No! Not now! Not ever!"
Friends, love and time move on like never before
You wish you could hold them in your fist.
And then when you would be over with tryst,
There would be times…
You would be soothing your wounds
Just to smile at the marks left behind.
Someday someone told me,
"Don't cry that it's over,
Smile that it happened…"
Yet my dear I will bring times
When broken pieces of your heart will be gathered,
And no dreams will be scattered.
Memories would never haunt you
Rather make you feel proud
For having found love and joy
In this battling crowd.
I would wish to see you smile someday
Thinking about what you have read today
And then I see a twinkle and a tear
Just to let to know
That I am right here…

mum - BYE (an ode to mumbai)

i dont know what makes me connect to you... is it the memories that you gave me or the nightmares i shared under your skies...each time i put my step into your lap...a thousand dead dreams wake up from a deep slumber...and the ones that were never born thanked me. The moment i smell the air that flows through you...a  dual sensation of freedom and suffocation fills my  breath. How does it feel when i love and hate you at the same time...feel like holding you close to my heart and at the same time running away from your boundaries into lands i never even dreamt of...no matter how hard i have come to be...no matter how many double standards you teach me...no matter how many dreamz and aspirations you break or fulfill...no matter how solid my blood turns...i know you are different...
you taught me to live alone...
to survive...
to dare...
to hate...
to love...
to dream...
to cry...
to wipe my tears...
to be srong...
to turn weak...
and even though the span i spent with you was not even a fraction of my life... that fraction changed my life...
i avoid coming back to sense your presence at all...and every time it becomes unavoidable...yet fills me with hatred and disgust for you...i still dont know why... would you call that ingratitude....proclaiming that you gave me all...yet i would say took it all away... is that still being ungrateful ??
ur mumbai....the land of dreamz...the place where people dream big with small means and open eyes... a place where either people make it or break it...a place whom people can hate to the core or love to no extent...mumbai....the place where glamour....glitter...corruption...hatred...love...power...politics...poverty...
affluency...dance...music...alchohol...smoke...rapes...theft...fun...frolic...life...
IS ALWAYS AT ITS EXTREME!!
How do i justify hating you...or rather loving you...when it comes to you my heart is a bag of mixed emotions...my responses seem numb...i can either mix like water colours in your shades or rebel like a blacklist to corrode your existence...
i still don't know...and i guess i never will...cause each time i leave your heart i am gushed with the twin feelings of  never wanting to go as well the dream of a force that will promise never to tread my steps towards where i never belonged...

why i fought ?

A conspiracy seems to be around
I am lost in a maze...
I feel sinkin' in the ground
With a ghastly transfixed gaze
They aske me questions as to how
They could uplift their cursed souls
I'd know if knew when to bow
To mend and sew my own tattered holes!!
There were times they asked me to die...
As i couldn't fulfill what they desire
The flames that flew on my eye
Hushed me back into the fire.
They want me to rise like a phoenix
And bloom like a new bud...
What would i say... what could they fix ?
With me facing down right into the mud...
Stop being what all you can be
Start being what you cannot!!
The phoenix...the bud...in me
To be or not to be is why i FOUGHT!!

Kan-fused Part 2

They say its tough being tough. Now whats tough? I hit you with a hammer and you dont even sprout an "Ouch" or may be if i ripped your soul apart and you still have this beaming 440 watts smile on your lips as if noithing could have possibly gone wrong. Is that being internally tough ? Delusions hover here too...you cant cry when you want to (aww..whar are people gonna think of me??). I pity men here who have labelled tears as something feminine and who adhere to tears only on occassions they would fall short of excuses! (No offences guys!) So being tough is about being tough is all that i learnt.
Studies and acads is what confused me the most my entire life (too bad its still there). It seems like shadow...my best frends could dessert me for a moment but studies wont. Not that i am psychic about them...just that i am too much psychic about them!! While the rest of the world would dig itself in the debris of books and laptops, i would seel solace in music or movies or playing my mouthorgan and when left in the war-front all i can do is bite my nails on the fact "I-  know - nothing".....

Delusions and confusions have become a real life fairy tale for me that would never vanish from my mind. I could never think straight or think solid about what it determines to be what i want to be!! Rather what i am meant to be! It will all evaporate with time... I have been advised or strongly recommended to "christen" myself with a strong practical approach towards life. It is to fall prey to i know what I dont wanna be...

how confused or in dilemma it may be in), My mind plays a lot of games with me...but I guess I can rest that at peace while my heart still beats with the passion and zeal i always wanted to live with. Right now as i commence my thoughts I can hear Switchfoot play behind " I find peace when am confused"....

Strange....weird....yet happy!! And now i know I am not gonna stop being what they term "confused" cuz thats what forms my essence and thats what i would be till the day i breathed my last....

Kan - fused Part 1

A major chunk of my life has been spent in delusions just as "Shakespeare uncle " said - to be or not to be. Its not that i m unable to form decisions that are rock-solid, its just that i need some confirmity for my own self. Half the time I keep wondering loose over issues that arn't even trivial (thats what Tavi says). For instance if I wanna pursue photography why do i require to think twice ? Just shoot!! But no!! Am gonna linger and sulk over the idea of not accomplishing it as long as i can remember. Just coz of some priorities which had to be kept a step ahead of own "classic visions". We homo sapiens are a gifted race and delusions, confusions are kind of perks that we are blessed with. How many people could actually claim they have crystal clear dreams and visions (with all due respects to those who dream to be the next president or prime minister).
As a kid I loved dancing (dont laugh!). So i enrolled myself for these really nice western dance classes. I was aint that bad except for the fact that i crammed a few feet and dashed into a few gals who were trying to figure when this ridicule would end. (oh kay i am patheric). These years I decided not to give up unless i saw myself settling for science club (I am not a nerd!!) in spite of craving and watching in envy at those who shook thier booty at "my heart goes sha la la la". Who knows i coukd have been the next Farah Khan ;) ???
Its tough givin up what you love the most. The deluded, detoriated soul's craving and thirst might not be quenched but you stay satisfied you made someone happy. Sometimes my mom says its important to see and feel what others want from you. Its kind of "necessary" rather "mandatory" to actually do what others want from you. And the worst part is the battle that begins inside -  you vs them. And the evergreen aspects of life - how can i be happy if the world around me isnt ??? Right !! Jerk!! Its kinda tough wanting to be and not wanting to be. When two extremes clash its different and difficult to understand the reaction and more complicated to actually decide which extreme to side with ....

The Scum!

The hues change from black to blue

The wilt waits to bloom back

The winds withheld their shower

The gutsy stars shine with all their power

The sleeky, slimy figure runs through the woods

Flashing and ripping like the thousand nudes

Blood oozing out from scars unhealed

Whining...mourning from lips that were sealed...

Scary disrupted images in the air

Wanting to hold them with the world's despair

The slime...the scum...runs yet again

Run...hush...now...his shadow is his pain

He dies a thousand deaths with dread each hour!

His life's a battle, his breaths a war!

Fret, shame, sham "tamasha", the fowl

The dirt, the swine, a bad taste in the mouth

Run away....show not what it is to be YOU

Without a care, without any clue

It still keeps running and scurring through the jungle of life

A thousand beats....ten thousand strife!