Have I ?

Have I been able to whisper

The sweet nothings

I hold under my breath for you ?

Have I been able to hold you 

The way I want to 

When I could have told you

"you are beautiful, the way you are "

Have I been able to define

What your presence means 

And it makes me feel absolutely fine...

Have I told you, you are my comfort zone

I would not want to give up on you 

Your thoughts comfort me

Even when I am alone

Have I kissed your forehead

And blessed you for a good day ahead ?

Have I made sure you smile 

Through all those little talks 

we make , while walking that extra mile?

Have I made sure that I tell you

The way I feel for you

Have i ..

Have i ...? 

Tonight

Lets wrote tonight 

About you and I

How it fell apart

Your and mine heart

Which beat as one 

Once upon a time

Lets write tonight of seasons

We spent without reasons

In the laps of desires

With the same extinguished fire

That once shone bright

Lets write about it 

Tonight

My Star

So we spoke about the stars until the dawn interrupted us. She held on to my fingers and repeatedly told me that the shine in my eyes that night reminded her of the shooting stars, she had seen somewhere earlier. She wrapped the blanket round her and then wrapped herself around me. I could feel her warmth, her heartbeats were close enough, her breath seemed to merge with mine. She adjusted the strands that fell on her forehead, making her vision of the stars comfortable. Oh ! How I 'd love to do that ! Her hair fell down so perfectly like a "cascade" (i read this somewhere ..but i don't mind using the same symbolism). She looked like an angel, just without the wings :) ... I told her once that she was very beautiful, and she dismissed the thought saying that I overrated her. She does not realize, that to me she is the one who does not have to be beautiful from the exterior...she is someone who does not have to worry if her hair is fixed , or her clothes are proper, or her nails are done or she is sounding stupid. I love her the way SHE is . The stars have their own story to say and tonight she decided to tell me a story for each star we counted. I heard the way she used her voice to describe each situation, the change in her tones which described each emotion related to each story she told me. In one story she was a child who wished for fairies to give her wings, so that she could fly away to distant lands. In another she would be a fighter struggling with the hurdles and irrelevant people that life threw at her. In one of the stories she was a friend, or a lover or daughter . I saw in her what most people failed to see... I saw HER. Many a times she took short breaks to make sure I was listening or acknowledge my nods, but I believed her words like a blind man would trust his stick. Tonight, she seemed like a star herself, that shone the brightest amongst them all and won the prize for the best story teller. The stars were fading away, and so was the night. I dreaded waking up thinking it was all a dream...but I realized I still had the warmth and she was still holding on to my fingers...even after the dawn.

And the crude reality comes true

Tomorrow

The days in the laps of dreams

Get over

Tomorrow

U will walk back to your reality

And I will to mine

Conditions and boundaries :
I cannot love if these two prevail hand in hand. If I 'd knew the kind of person I'd want to fall in love with, I'd never fall in love or perhaps I would be in love with Statue of Liberty!  The fact is we cannot define or outline love...or why we fall in love. Could be there reasons or conditions for loving someone so much that you could die for them? Would you simply say,

"Oh! she has beautiful eyes"
"How gorgeous you look in red"
Or perhaps...
"I love your voice, ...I love the way you play the guitar"
"I love your car"
"I love your house"
"Oh! Such spotless skin! Such a beautifully carved out figure"

Wow...if I'd had to label them with the amount of beauty they carried on the exterior, I 'd miss out on what lies beneath, in the interior. Someone told me last night 'beauty is subjective'. If I'd ask perhaps even 50  percent of people reading this article 'have u been in love ?'... They'd say 'yes'... If I would ask them 'why'... The avalanche of answers would surprise me and them. U must be aware of the word 'pursuit'. I remember seeing this movie called ' The pursuit of happyness' where the protagonist is in a constant fight with his luck, on the way of which he keeps mentioning the spelling of 'happyness' being wrongly spell in his son's daycare center  However by the end he realizes  its not the spelling, its the feeling of being happy that matters. We pursue love as pain...sometimes even as the only catalyst that arouses pain. But what we fail we realise that love is a selfless feeling without reasons and judgement.  There are no set conditions and boundaries in love. There is nothing that can stop u from falling in love with anyone.

What if you don't love me back ?

I 'didn't keep a condition in front of you. I didn't decide and fall in love with you. Its just happens...and u don't know how ? See...again u don't ve reasons...it could be any moment... That moment when she looked through your eyes and through your soul...she'd make u shudder and hug u so warm that u didn't need a sweater in the winters...when she smiled and you knew that you would do anything (even turn a jester) to make her smile...or perhaps the moment when she made u feel like no one else is capable of...
Remember there is no time to fall in love...love has its own time...

 I don't love her cause she has beautiful eyes or hair ...perhaps in a few years she might get blind and bald! :)
 I don't love her cause she has a perfect body which moulds and folds itself so marvelously ..someday she's gonna stoop and fumble.
 I don't love her cause she has impeccable skin...someday she's going to grow out of it :)
 I don't love her cause she's got teeth that makes her smile go radiant like a rainbow...someday she'll have to loose the all ;)

Yes...but I will still her love when  her visions slows down (I'll get new spectacles) and hold her hand... And tell her am right next to her... When she starts loosing her hair... I 'll remind her everyday she is getting cute and its okay cause she is still beautiful... And I m loosing hair too...so that makes the two of us...I'd still love when she stoops ...I 'Ll get a walking stick for one hand and will hold her by the other.. (Wondering what my other hand will be doing ...of course holding my walking stick!!!)....when she's smile like a rainbow through her wrinkled skin...I will count her wrinkles and tell her each wrinkle is for the days...years and moments spent with each other.... When her memory fails... I will show her the photographs...cards and momentum ..the day she will loose her first tooth...I ll take her to the dentist and then eat her favorite ice cream :)

I could go on endlessly why I don't love her...but the fact is this is how I love her. And I know no other way to love her....

remembering "Daddu"

Almost after a year I opened the gates of the room... A room that was filled with smell of memories, old tobacco and sounds ...

'Whose?'...

'Yours'...

'True'...

'True'...

I was 7 when I first sang 'sa re ga ma'...'Do Rae me' for the western classical world... I ran my tiny fingers through the harmonium* (refer dictionary), and a voice from behind guided and sang along. ' not like this...just sing with me'... A voice lost now... I speak of none other than my grandfather... A man who taught me the english and the music I know today.

The lone figure that sat and played solitaire on his cards, the evening ruckus created by him at the card gaming sessions in the neighborhood,the classical music practice, the way he sniffed his tobacco and I hated it, the way he walked slowly and steadily, the ability to laugh at old memories and himself ( I got that art from him), the way he shared the food on his plate with me, the style in which he wore his lungi, the way he yelled when he was mad, laughed when he was happy, his expert knowledge on the economy of india, his experience from the pre independence era, his stories about the british days, his bald head that depicted lines of aging, his slapstick dry humor, the way he held his stick (which was later given away to another old friend of his).... The room filled me up with these memories and visions came alive as if he just walked in and asked me the same old question ...

'Whose...'

'Yours...'

'True??...'

'True!!!...'

Over the years my interactions became fewer... I left home ...I left him... I left the old kiddish ( as per my terms) acquaintances behind and moved on to a bigger arena. He always dreamed a little bigger than me perhaps. I could never understand his bias at times. Never the less I did knew he had an aura about him even though he was no plainer than an ordinary old man. His principles and ideas were often challenged and run over by me, but differences kept us talking at least. In the last few years of his life...he didn't have the capability to talk much...the man that walked miles at the age of 80, could no longer stand... He was growing older and slipping further.

I didn't cry a tear when I saw him lie on the ice the other day when they said they breathed his last. He lay still, redeemed of all the pains and sufferings he bore...physically and emotionally. The blank look on my father's face, when my eyes met his was rude enough to give me a cold shiver. A knock on heaven's door- that's where my grandfather stood...

Perhaps he might forgive me...perhaps I may be able to forgive myself too..but I could not be less thankful...for the numerous other things and talents he identified in me. The best thing he taught me was the ability to laugh at myself, when the world makes me feel am a jester. So be it! Laughter is the best medicine and my grandfather was a living example of the same.

I ve said much and right now as I step out of the room...somewhere the faded voice still calls for me...

'Whose granddaughter are you'

'Yours daddu'

'Is it true?'

Forever yours daddu!

Insane

Today seems pleasent...but yesterday was a bliss

When i could touch...when i could kiss

When i could love you so much

When we could make love and touch

The limits of the endless skies...

When you said you'd never know when

Things would be fine

Amongst those heavy sighs!

The way you cupped my face so clear

Like you could navigate and steer

The upsurge ... the desire

The rage... the fire...

The hunger...the pain

The bodies going insane...

I'd kill time to touch you again...

Doors have been closed...i find no way

I am left but with the memoires today...

The bliss... the pleasent... all fade by

And in those heavy sigh... i add yet another sigh!

Calypso

The headphones scream louder in my ears

Your favourite song with my tears

The screen displays flashes of past

Moments of the by gone years!

I sit upright to rest

My back that hurts it best

My head hits a thousand reels

Hearts forgotten how it feels.

Distances covered in breaths

Now seem endless even for my dreams to reach

Forgetting is a contract

I do not want to breach.

At one moment you own the world

At another you have nothing at all

When heights are covered within miles

It doesnt take long to fall

You spoke of desert dreams

Of the innumeorus screams

That echoed on the wall

And caused you pain

Again and again....

Where did i stumble?

Where did i fumble?

Was I the only cursed or

Did the skies cry with you my love?

You spoke of Gods looking from above

You spoke of verses unheard before

Nothing could surpass the beauty

Nothing undid the show

Let me live those tears again

And again be your Calypso!

PS: originally written on 16th July, 2009

Time

I know I pursue time
Like a free bird
And yours is like a captive
In a golden cage
With an era of its own
Am willing to wait
Come what may
Leaving it to fate
All you have to say
Is, " Darling I Love You"


When you want to be alone
Analyzing thoughts that were woven
And beautifully crystal
I want you to share them with me
When your silence speaks yours words
I want to have ears
Than can listen to the unknown
Its time again that reigns
And has been reigning for years


I know I pursue time
Like a free breeze
Like I have never had for
Anyone in the life I lived
The lone self in me
Beckons for a migration
Into a time zone
That belongs to you
It culminates into the spheres
That has to last
For the many coming years...


Tell me for I know not
How to bound myself
Let alone the Time I call my own
My patience withers
And wilts with Time
Should you grant me what I wish for
Or is it Time again that
Shall answer for you....




Kanch

A Note !

A slight fear of some kind
So would it be fare
To tell you what's on my mind
Could I actually dare ?
A deep longing to get u out
Of the pain
And all the doubts
That somewhere went in vain
A stolen gaze at you
Without a hope or two
A smile on my lips
A slight tap on my fingertips
A small attempt to make you smile
Even for a little while
Some more time with you
Without a hope or two
Would u feel offended
On what I write
Just now I don't seem to know
What's wrong and right
I can do nothing more nor less
Can I help you
To get out of this mess
I can say its gonna be fine
But don't really know how to define
Perhaps these words would be hidden somewhere
And maybe even If I did want
I would not be able to share
Of what it means for me
To have to see
You in pain
May be the extents I know
Not how to show
Yet I 'd do anything to make you smile
Even for a little while
Some more time with you
Without a hope or two

Sometimes you may think
Without a space or blink
I keep hovering round your bed
Just to keep an eyes on what's there
Just to let you know I care
And sometimes feel like watching you
Like a distant view
Letting someone else play the game
Its just not my name
Old times were good
New ones will be better
Just keep a happy mood
And let not yourself scatter
Cause when u'd fall
I would want to hold you back
And now I wish you would never have to call
That you would never have to fall
A stolen gaze again at you
Without a hope or two

Right now rest your mind in peace
For it has been abandoned for long
Let your heart get back all the pieces
And sing your favorite song
Dance to the tunes you wanna make
Jive to routines you wanna break
Freedom is what calls upon you now
Worry not...fear not as to how
Roads and ways will be built on it own
You are on your own but not alone
I may tread closer if not with you
Again without a hope or two....

Goodbyes!

Let me make it up

To you tonight

Let me take your hand

And tell you sorry

That we had to fight

Let me close my eyes

And see your face again

The hurt that I caused

And all the pain

Let me seep through

What your mind has to say

From the day we parted

Till today

Let me hold my thoughts

While I try to read yours

Those which were ruptured

Are beyond any cures

Let me sit down for a while

And bask in the glory

of the times

I made u smile

Let me walk the beach

I walked holding your hand

And watch the waters wipe out

Our names from the sand

Let me hear the last song

To which we danced

For the first time

Let me relish the taste

Of our first kiss

And preserve your smell

Like the perfume that I'd miss

Let me for once

Close my eyes again

And see the face that is

Fading away all my pain

Let me drop this tear

To your name

And along with it

Drop your claim...

This feeling inside
Feels like something has died
I was well off ignorant
Why did they teach me
What is right and what is wrong ?
What did they want me to see?
What did they want me to know ?
What do they still want me to show?
Haven't they ravaged me enough
Made me fragile when I was so tough ?
What do they want now when its all done ?
Times have flown and my heart is sour
The remaining pieces are still lost in the dark
I searched so hard to fix it back
I am lost in dungeons that pull me hard
Why did they use me when I was a misuse?
Why did they shun me and left me to abuse?
Why did they come forth and run back again ?
Why did they make me come alive from dead?
And killed me yet again...
Why did they say it all and meant no word?
Why did they show me the other side of the world ?
Why did they? Why did they ?
The answers are yet to unfold
And when I wanna pursue them
Its of no use I am told
Am tired of running from the shadows of the past
Engulf me or throw me aside
These feelings are so dead inside...
Will kill me... it will decide


Kanch

There is so much this night can give us
You and me is what i ask for
Loving you and touching you
Where I ve never before...
This night when sleep plays
Hide and seek with me
At its best even during days
You is all i want to see
This night when the stars go blaze
With the dances if the fire
It burns well for as i gaze
And try to cool my burning desire
This heart knows not how to beat
When it doesn't hear your breath
This night has no option but to miss
How beautifully you and I kiss...
This night is restless just like me
Delusions building like a fortress
On top of a beautiful hill
Come along as I tread harder
And you will...
But this night can it make
It so much easier for you and me
This night so pretty today
While you rest so deep
And I get no sleep :)

Kanch

Breaking Me!

"Won't it ever be ok again"...
Your questions pierced my heart
More than my ears
Brought across an unknown pain
I had not faced in years

"But where did I go wrong" , you cried
"It wasn't just meant to be", I tried
To explain why,
I made u cry
Even after I just didn't wanna try!

"I ve loved you like no one, nor I ever will" , you decided
"And I won't love ..nor will ever love you the same", I confided
I wanted to explain how
Things couldn't be ok now !

"You r leaving me empty, you ve finished me", you explained
"You decided never to complete me", I exclaimed!
I wanted to leave
And you didn't want to believe.

"Its over now... I can't take it anymore", I walked away
"But what about the promises you made", you say
I looked you in the eye
You turned away.. You had your reply!

Now & Then

I was crossing the streets the other day
When I saw u walking from the opposite way.
The steps u took were small and humble,
Your lips moved as if they were about to mumble
Your eyes were searching for someone...
You tilted your head back again and again
As you walked past me as if I was no one,
It brought back to me all the pain!

Then :


After so many years of unknown tryst...
With your initials carved on my wrist.
I couldn't recognize myself in your eyes
That day when u left
There seemed no existence ...As if someone had separated me from my breath
 
Now :

My gaze fixed at you I was blocking the way for many
You had brushed past me
As if u had nvr known me
I smiled at reasons I couldn't figure out
Rest assured I wasn't in any doubt
I crossed the streets that day
And still dint turn back when I saw u again the opposite way...

कई सालों के बाद आयी एक बहार

ज़िन्दगी बेजान सी लगती थी तब

आपके आने से हो गया है प्यार 

हमे ज़िन्दगी से अब...

- कांच 

I can't be with you...

When I close my eyes
And your thoughts pass by
A tinge of hurt...
Comes wading from the sky
I might be strong
I might just be wrong,

I 'd choose not to face

This hurt and this phase..

There are moments when you

Wanna break the door
And enter into me
And I keep staring at the floor

I do not want you to see

How numb this state of mine

Where nothing could affect

And no one could be fine

You keep asking me to come close

And all i do is run away

And the hurt seems more

"As I remember our "just one day

Don't call me when

I don't wanna hear

Don't cry when

I don't wanna see your tear

Don't blame me 

Cause I'm already blamed

Don't look at me with hopes

Cause I am already ill named

I got no ties to hold onto

Someday I will bid farewell 

Just like that !!

All I will keep in me is you...     
Just know that...

I cannot be with you

-K

The Canvas

I sat upon your thoughts

And seemed to loose my way

The way you stroked your brushes

On the paint filled canvas that day...

The image you drew

Reflected me in you

The colors you painted

Seemed my heart was tainted...

U drew my face on the wall

Distorted Disfigured and very small

Yet the black and the white mixed to grey...

On the paint filled canvas that day...

U tried too hard to paint something new!

Each time you did...it was me you drew

My image stuck in your mind

You did'nt have a choice to rewind

From what we had left behind.

U wanted to mix the shades that way

On the paint filled canvas that day....

The eyes that NOW are!

The eyes that had once gaped into an unknown horizon of darkness, now battle the eyelids for the breaking belt of dawn. They now open slow and start staring at a world which others designate as “hostile”. Why does it have to be personified with such harsh syllables…they know not! They are now busy locating the world that has opened its arms wide and welcomed her with the brightest sun that even shone.

She resembles the smile on her face…vibrant and fresh! She has surpassed herself, dared to try to make it larger than life. She has found back her broken wings, taped them to soar high into the dreams, she now wishes to conquer. She doesn’t want to turn back. She doesn’t want to remember the last time she heard her heart cry! She doesn’t need to know what people think of what she has made of herself through her own decisions. She now stands upright to face it all…once again.

There were moments when she felt weak, insecure, cheated and bereaved. She was tempted to curse her life into damnation. There were days without rest, nights without sleep. Silence was omnipresent even though she masked it in her giggles. She learnt to master the art of faking and smiling off her way. She knew it…her prison was her mind…her parole her heart! And when the time was high and burns were charred…she decided to move on…move out!

She stood there by herself. She might have angered the ones close by, yet her quest for peace and self had sided all that mattered. She had to chide her heart for having thought about a gleam of guilt. She scolded herself for having been so harsh upon her being. To get rid of off her fears, she decided to face them instead. She didn’t run away this time…away from the scare…now she is not scared anymore of anything.

Her eyes are now bristling sharp and crystal. They now know the vibrant colors they had missed. They are now bestowed with visions she was scared to let them watch. She stands proud…she sees prouder!

After all she may have been delayed, but not denied.

I wrote a song sometime back...
heres to the one i would love...


Part 1
You may have many choices
That i hear in your voices
You may seem to be confused
Resting in peace or a storm of delude...
You may have your reasons
Thinking about who might be the one...


Chorus 
But as the darkest night stands there to see
The search you've begun, and the quest
Baby, I have a little request
Loose your heart to me...


Part 2
As days go by and you seem to wait
Wondering whose writing your fate
I watch you from my window
Falling for you high and low
And yet i know to this day
My heart yells out to say..


Rep Chorus
As the darkest night stands there to see

The search you've begun, and the quest

Baby, I have a little request

Loose your heart to me...