Conditions and boundaries :
I cannot love if these two prevail hand in hand. If I 'd knew the kind of person I'd want to fall in love with, I'd never fall in love or perhaps I would be in love with Statue of Liberty!  The fact is we cannot define or outline love...or why we fall in love. Could be there reasons or conditions for loving someone so much that you could die for them? Would you simply say,

"Oh! she has beautiful eyes"
"How gorgeous you look in red"
Or perhaps...
"I love your voice, ...I love the way you play the guitar"
"I love your car"
"I love your house"
"Oh! Such spotless skin! Such a beautifully carved out figure"

Wow...if I'd had to label them with the amount of beauty they carried on the exterior, I 'd miss out on what lies beneath, in the interior. Someone told me last night 'beauty is subjective'. If I'd ask perhaps even 50  percent of people reading this article 'have u been in love ?'... They'd say 'yes'... If I would ask them 'why'... The avalanche of answers would surprise me and them. U must be aware of the word 'pursuit'. I remember seeing this movie called ' The pursuit of happyness' where the protagonist is in a constant fight with his luck, on the way of which he keeps mentioning the spelling of 'happyness' being wrongly spell in his son's daycare center  However by the end he realizes  its not the spelling, its the feeling of being happy that matters. We pursue love as pain...sometimes even as the only catalyst that arouses pain. But what we fail we realise that love is a selfless feeling without reasons and judgement.  There are no set conditions and boundaries in love. There is nothing that can stop u from falling in love with anyone.

What if you don't love me back ?

I 'didn't keep a condition in front of you. I didn't decide and fall in love with you. Its just happens...and u don't know how ? See...again u don't ve reasons...it could be any moment... That moment when she looked through your eyes and through your soul...she'd make u shudder and hug u so warm that u didn't need a sweater in the winters...when she smiled and you knew that you would do anything (even turn a jester) to make her smile...or perhaps the moment when she made u feel like no one else is capable of...
Remember there is no time to fall in love...love has its own time...

 I don't love her cause she has beautiful eyes or hair ...perhaps in a few years she might get blind and bald! :)
 I don't love her cause she has a perfect body which moulds and folds itself so marvelously ..someday she's gonna stoop and fumble.
 I don't love her cause she has impeccable skin...someday she's going to grow out of it :)
 I don't love her cause she's got teeth that makes her smile go radiant like a rainbow...someday she'll have to loose the all ;)

Yes...but I will still her love when  her visions slows down (I'll get new spectacles) and hold her hand... And tell her am right next to her... When she starts loosing her hair... I 'll remind her everyday she is getting cute and its okay cause she is still beautiful... And I m loosing hair too...so that makes the two of us...I'd still love when she stoops ...I 'Ll get a walking stick for one hand and will hold her by the other.. (Wondering what my other hand will be doing ...of course holding my walking stick!!!)....when she's smile like a rainbow through her wrinkled skin...I will count her wrinkles and tell her each wrinkle is for the days...years and moments spent with each other.... When her memory fails... I will show her the photographs...cards and momentum ..the day she will loose her first tooth...I ll take her to the dentist and then eat her favorite ice cream :)

I could go on endlessly why I don't love her...but the fact is this is how I love her. And I know no other way to love her....

remembering "Daddu"

Almost after a year I opened the gates of the room... A room that was filled with smell of memories, old tobacco and sounds ...

'Whose?'...

'Yours'...

'True'...

'True'...

I was 7 when I first sang 'sa re ga ma'...'Do Rae me' for the western classical world... I ran my tiny fingers through the harmonium* (refer dictionary), and a voice from behind guided and sang along. ' not like this...just sing with me'... A voice lost now... I speak of none other than my grandfather... A man who taught me the english and the music I know today.

The lone figure that sat and played solitaire on his cards, the evening ruckus created by him at the card gaming sessions in the neighborhood,the classical music practice, the way he sniffed his tobacco and I hated it, the way he walked slowly and steadily, the ability to laugh at old memories and himself ( I got that art from him), the way he shared the food on his plate with me, the style in which he wore his lungi, the way he yelled when he was mad, laughed when he was happy, his expert knowledge on the economy of india, his experience from the pre independence era, his stories about the british days, his bald head that depicted lines of aging, his slapstick dry humor, the way he held his stick (which was later given away to another old friend of his).... The room filled me up with these memories and visions came alive as if he just walked in and asked me the same old question ...

'Whose...'

'Yours...'

'True??...'

'True!!!...'

Over the years my interactions became fewer... I left home ...I left him... I left the old kiddish ( as per my terms) acquaintances behind and moved on to a bigger arena. He always dreamed a little bigger than me perhaps. I could never understand his bias at times. Never the less I did knew he had an aura about him even though he was no plainer than an ordinary old man. His principles and ideas were often challenged and run over by me, but differences kept us talking at least. In the last few years of his life...he didn't have the capability to talk much...the man that walked miles at the age of 80, could no longer stand... He was growing older and slipping further.

I didn't cry a tear when I saw him lie on the ice the other day when they said they breathed his last. He lay still, redeemed of all the pains and sufferings he bore...physically and emotionally. The blank look on my father's face, when my eyes met his was rude enough to give me a cold shiver. A knock on heaven's door- that's where my grandfather stood...

Perhaps he might forgive me...perhaps I may be able to forgive myself too..but I could not be less thankful...for the numerous other things and talents he identified in me. The best thing he taught me was the ability to laugh at myself, when the world makes me feel am a jester. So be it! Laughter is the best medicine and my grandfather was a living example of the same.

I ve said much and right now as I step out of the room...somewhere the faded voice still calls for me...

'Whose granddaughter are you'

'Yours daddu'

'Is it true?'

Forever yours daddu!

Insane

Today seems pleasent...but yesterday was a bliss

When i could touch...when i could kiss

When i could love you so much

When we could make love and touch

The limits of the endless skies...

When you said you'd never know when

Things would be fine

Amongst those heavy sighs!

The way you cupped my face so clear

Like you could navigate and steer

The upsurge ... the desire

The rage... the fire...

The hunger...the pain

The bodies going insane...

I'd kill time to touch you again...

Doors have been closed...i find no way

I am left but with the memoires today...

The bliss... the pleasent... all fade by

And in those heavy sigh... i add yet another sigh!

Calypso

The headphones scream louder in my ears

Your favourite song with my tears

The screen displays flashes of past

Moments of the by gone years!

I sit upright to rest

My back that hurts it best

My head hits a thousand reels

Hearts forgotten how it feels.

Distances covered in breaths

Now seem endless even for my dreams to reach

Forgetting is a contract

I do not want to breach.

At one moment you own the world

At another you have nothing at all

When heights are covered within miles

It doesnt take long to fall

You spoke of desert dreams

Of the innumeorus screams

That echoed on the wall

And caused you pain

Again and again....

Where did i stumble?

Where did i fumble?

Was I the only cursed or

Did the skies cry with you my love?

You spoke of Gods looking from above

You spoke of verses unheard before

Nothing could surpass the beauty

Nothing undid the show

Let me live those tears again

And again be your Calypso!

PS: originally written on 16th July, 2009

Time

I know I pursue time
Like a free bird
And yours is like a captive
In a golden cage
With an era of its own
Am willing to wait
Come what may
Leaving it to fate
All you have to say
Is, " Darling I Love You"


When you want to be alone
Analyzing thoughts that were woven
And beautifully crystal
I want you to share them with me
When your silence speaks yours words
I want to have ears
Than can listen to the unknown
Its time again that reigns
And has been reigning for years


I know I pursue time
Like a free breeze
Like I have never had for
Anyone in the life I lived
The lone self in me
Beckons for a migration
Into a time zone
That belongs to you
It culminates into the spheres
That has to last
For the many coming years...


Tell me for I know not
How to bound myself
Let alone the Time I call my own
My patience withers
And wilts with Time
Should you grant me what I wish for
Or is it Time again that
Shall answer for you....




Kanch

A Note !

A slight fear of some kind
So would it be fare
To tell you what's on my mind
Could I actually dare ?
A deep longing to get u out
Of the pain
And all the doubts
That somewhere went in vain
A stolen gaze at you
Without a hope or two
A smile on my lips
A slight tap on my fingertips
A small attempt to make you smile
Even for a little while
Some more time with you
Without a hope or two
Would u feel offended
On what I write
Just now I don't seem to know
What's wrong and right
I can do nothing more nor less
Can I help you
To get out of this mess
I can say its gonna be fine
But don't really know how to define
Perhaps these words would be hidden somewhere
And maybe even If I did want
I would not be able to share
Of what it means for me
To have to see
You in pain
May be the extents I know
Not how to show
Yet I 'd do anything to make you smile
Even for a little while
Some more time with you
Without a hope or two

Sometimes you may think
Without a space or blink
I keep hovering round your bed
Just to keep an eyes on what's there
Just to let you know I care
And sometimes feel like watching you
Like a distant view
Letting someone else play the game
Its just not my name
Old times were good
New ones will be better
Just keep a happy mood
And let not yourself scatter
Cause when u'd fall
I would want to hold you back
And now I wish you would never have to call
That you would never have to fall
A stolen gaze again at you
Without a hope or two

Right now rest your mind in peace
For it has been abandoned for long
Let your heart get back all the pieces
And sing your favorite song
Dance to the tunes you wanna make
Jive to routines you wanna break
Freedom is what calls upon you now
Worry not...fear not as to how
Roads and ways will be built on it own
You are on your own but not alone
I may tread closer if not with you
Again without a hope or two....

Goodbyes!

Let me make it up

To you tonight

Let me take your hand

And tell you sorry

That we had to fight

Let me close my eyes

And see your face again

The hurt that I caused

And all the pain

Let me seep through

What your mind has to say

From the day we parted

Till today

Let me hold my thoughts

While I try to read yours

Those which were ruptured

Are beyond any cures

Let me sit down for a while

And bask in the glory

of the times

I made u smile

Let me walk the beach

I walked holding your hand

And watch the waters wipe out

Our names from the sand

Let me hear the last song

To which we danced

For the first time

Let me relish the taste

Of our first kiss

And preserve your smell

Like the perfume that I'd miss

Let me for once

Close my eyes again

And see the face that is

Fading away all my pain

Let me drop this tear

To your name

And along with it

Drop your claim...